Perfect Storm

Definition.

2010-10-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was asked to prepare a single paragraph introducing myself and describing who I am. I wrote the paragraph easily and continuted on to other assignments for that class. Later, it struck me. Not once did I mention my belief and dependence on God. Not once did I mention that I was a Christian. This meant that I did not see this as an aspect that defines who I am as a person. BUT HELLO. The whole point of my life is to please him and fulfill the purpose he has set for me. I am nothing without him. And somehow I found other things that came before Him, when describing myself. So God, please help me to see clearly how you define me and my life. Help me to never put my belief in you on a back burner. My next goal is to really make it a real definition in my life.

Molding together my passions.

2010-07-17T19:08:00.001-07:00

As a child we have so many dreams, wishes, and hopes for our future. We know exactly what we want to do and how we want to do it. We could spend all day listing the things we want to accomplish. Every single one of our goals seem reachable. But now, as I stand in this crossroads I have to choose. I have to decide which dream is priority. Which hope is more important. Because all of my dreams can't come true, can they?I want to be a mom, I want to have kids, I want to teach, and I want to dance. Two of these passions conflict...teaching little children, and dancing my heart out. Yes I could teach dance...but that isn't the same as letting myself perform at a professional level. However, my heart is broken as it realizes I can't have both. I must choose what is best for my future, my family's future, and my well-being. But wait, if my heart is missing out on using my passion for dancing, am I really doing what's best for me? Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that I want to be a dedicated teacher for so many young children and I can't wait to be a teacher. I just wish I could do both. And maybe I can....that'll be my new dream, wish, and hope! To accomplish both moving souls with dance and impacting children with teaching. Here goes nothing.

Knowing and believing.

2010-06-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'm learning that there is a difference between knowing and believing. I know that God loves me...but do I believe that God loves me? I know God exists...but do I truely believe it? I know it's okay not to be perfect...but I sure don't believe it. Knowing is the recognition of something to be true. Believing is accepting it with your heart and contributing it to your lifestyle. One cannot believe something without knowing it; however, one can know something yet not believe it. So how do we connect the two? It's not easy and I can't seem to find a formula. It is indeed a process. The bridge from knowing to believing is one that I'm struggling to cross but I'm taking it one step at at time. Once I reach the other side, I'll elaborate. Because for now, I believe there is a difference but I don't know how to connect them.

A few things to ponder.

2010-06-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

Speak in anger and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
We must embrace pain and use it as fuel for our journey.
Don't begin taking down walls until you know why you put them up.
Strength doesn't come until you realize your weakness.

Running into empty space.

2010-05-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Why is it when I'm lost, I tend to run faster? I don't know where I'm supposed to go or what I'm supposed to do, yet I run quickly away. What I really need to do is completely stop. And think. And listen. And breathe. But it seems so much easier to run, to not think, to tune out, and to hold my breath. WHY?

Wonders of the heart.

2010-04-18T20:43:00.001-07:00

The heart is a wonderous, mysterious, and powerful thing. It is the home of love, passion, decisions, hopes, and fears. It is where God placed his Holy Spirit for a reason. He picked the most vulerable, yet strongest place to live within us. A heart can be broken very easily, but it can never be destroyed. It can be damaged many times, but it has the ability to heal everytime. I'm just so dumbfounded by this power. Your eyes can be blind, your ears unable to hear, your mouth mute, your mind unable to think clearly....but your heart can never be kept from loving. The heart is our core. It guides everything we do. If we don't listen to our heart, we can't truly move forward. I'm so thankful for God's purposful placement inside my heart. There is no better place.

Help.

2010-04-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

I'm scared. Scared of not having enough strength. Scared of not pleasing God, others, or myself. Scared of failing. Scared of ending up alone. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of not being loved. Scared of not finding fulfillment in the right places. Scared of losing who I am. I can only be so strong for so long. Please help me God.

Only you.

2009-11-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

The strings have pulled and tugged. My heart is now wide open, vulnerable, and afraid. But my heart is all yours and it lies in your hand. You'll protect it and heal it. You're teaching me to lean on you with complete trust. I may fall, but your arms will catch me everytime. You're teaching me what truely matters. I rest in your peace, confident in the fact that you know my plan and purpose. I am not alone because every single step I take, you are taking with me. You didn't promise a life without struggles. Instead, you promised a life with an abundance of your love. And once we have that, we don't need anything else. True happiness comes only through living in you. Help me to do just that. I want you to be my everything. Each time I get stuck, give me a push in the right direction. Each time I stumble, remind me of the reason why I'm here. That reason is you, and only you.

Letter from Peace.

2009-09-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

I hear your cries and I feel your pain. We used to be close and tightly knit but I was stolen from you. You've pleaded for my return but I'm unable to come. I deeply wish I could be there with you. I lived off your smiles, laughs, and moments of embrace. I'm straining against the boundaries that are keeping me away. One day I will be free. At that moment I'll wrap my arms tightly around you and never let go. There is one who cares and one who knows our bond. He will bring us back together in due time. He's waiting for the most ideal moment. The boundaries will be lifted and we can smile, laugh, and embrace once again. His plan is perfect so stay strong. My time of absense won't last. He told me everything will be okay. It's his promise.

Always Yours,
Peace

Essay on Sin.

2009-05-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sin is something ever human being is prone to. It is something that is constantly lurking around our society as well as within our personal being. Universally, there are many actions of which we are aware are unethical. When we understand the difference between right and wrong and knowingly commit a wrong action; we are committing sin. However, there are many exceptions to this concept; and there are many factors that play a part in the nature of sin.

There are some cases in which a sinful action is committed, yet the purpose wasn't intentionally to stray from the right direction. The wrong that was committed was accidental. Can we still consider this a sin when it was unintentional? Sin can either be the action itself, or the purpose and intention behind it.

When we look at our society today, there are many things happening around us that many of us would consider sin. Yet, there may be a difference between a sinful act and an evil act. An individual may not be breaking the law for example, but they could still be committing an action that is evil and unconventional. So where is the line drawn between evil and sin? We could turn to the laws to find our answer; or we could read into our conscious.

The nature of sin is a big concept. However, sin is not only a nature, but also a choice. A choice every individual chooses to make. But then again, can we escape choosing sin. The idea of sin being both a nature and a choice is conflicting. Despite our nature as a human being to sin, we still hold the control of our actions. Therefore, when we do commit a sin the choice of our action is what we are punished for.

One factor that plays an important role in the nature of sin is punishment. If there were no consequences for our actions, some poeple would think there is no point to do the right thing. There would be no limitations and no rewards for making the right choice. Punishment sets a bar for a civil society where sin can be monitored and kept under control. However, sin can always find a way to push around the rules. The moment a person is caught doing something illegal is the moment they are usually sorry and regretful. However, that remorseis not present until they are caught being sinful. In such cases, the choice of sin dominates the nature of sin. Another factor that plays a role in the nature of sin is guilt. Sometimes poeple can truly feel remorse for a sinful nature, simply by their own conscious. In those cases, we see the nature of sin can sometimes overrule the choice of sin.

So what is sin? Sin is an action that occurs when choice and nature collide. Sin can be an act of pure evilness or just an honest mistake. Sin is crossing the bar that our conscious creates for us. Sin is breaking the law the society has made for what is considered ethical. Sin is not something that we can keep from happening; yet we can control the extent of it.

Takes more than believing.

2009-02-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like two different people. My heart and mind are in separate places. My broken peices are affecting my whole ones. I'm conflicting and colliding with myself. I need God now, more than I ever have. Independence is in my view and I must be strong in where I stand before I cross that road. I need to want him and I want to need him. It's more than just knowing who God is, its now about knowing who I am through God in me; because I am nothing without him. If I allow God to live within me and shine through me; rather than have him merely walk next me, He can fill every empty place that I have inside. Why would I even want to live any part of my life without Him?? I want God to be alive and evident in every aspect of my thoughts, actions, and decisions. I don't want to displease or disappoint him. I didn't always understand the true meaning of surrending my life to him; but this is exactly what it is. And it's an easy thing to do when I realize that He is an absolute necessity in my life if I plan on remaining sane. He is my utter dependence.

I can say these words and truely believe in them. But why is it sometimes so hard to live them?? I don't get it. I want so much to live them everyday, yet I still fall back and make the same mistakes. So my prayer is not only to know, but to live. And not only to see, but to feel. And not only to hope, but to fulfull.

This is why I dance.

2009-01-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

At first the music is merely a range of notes infused together.
It flows by your ear and you become a piece of the music.
Your mind releases each one of it's thoughts and worries.
The only purpose at that moment is to let go of absolutely everything and dance.
Suddenly you have no boundaries, expectations, or dead lines.
There is no sense of time controlling your next decision.
All that matters is the constant movement your body envisions and brings to life.
Every emotion is allowed to be exposed.
You feel your heart openly expressing itself, knowing it's safe to let down it's walls.
You can choose to feel the promising support of the floor.
Or you can choose to fly and feel nothing but the oxygen swirling around you.
Grace surrounds every movement, and joy follows every breath.
You are present in only one world...a world of freedom.
And that is why I dance.

Short-lived moments.

2009-01-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

Certain happy moments are hard to endure.
The reality of the moment tries to overlap the underlying pain.
These rare moments create flashbacks to a lost acceptance.
They re-open the cut and remind you of how it should be.
They're hard because it emphasizes the relationship that is deeply desired.
A laugh, rarely shared, is deafining.
They're the definition of bittersweet.
Because deep down I know the clear sky won't last.
And before I know it, the storm hovers over once again.
So what am I to do in these misleading happy moments?
Do I enjoy the short lived, yet false, moment of effort?
Or do I only focus on the true underlying struggles between the barrier?
In my young eyes, the best thing to do is remain guarded to protect myself in these moments.
But at the same time, live out the moment to ensure I'm doing everything in my power to hold on.

Natural nature.

2009-01-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of a tidal wave; and all I can do is stare at what's coming.
Other times I feel like I'm riding the tidal wave; and have no where else to go but where it decides to take me.
Sometimes the sand beneath my feet is soft yet supportive.
And other times it seems like a pool of sinking sand.
Sometimes the sun is facing me; so all I can do is walk into the warmth with my eyes closed.
But other times the sun is behind me; creating a light for my walk ahead.
Sometimes the breeze is just what I need to blow away my nerves.
While other times it's just sweeping away my structure.
Sometimes the shade of the tree creates a blanket of protection and promise.
And other times the shade creates a burden of restriction.
Essentially, these factors of nature are stable and unchanging.
It's the position of myself that controls the outcome and status of each situation.
I don't have control of nature; however I do hold control of where I stand in the middle of it.
These variables of nature won't ever alter.
But the graph of my "storm" will become consistant when I stand in the midst of it all, knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Like music.

2009-01-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

As a dancer, when I listen to music I try to imagine the feel and movement of it. Making every rhythm and note come alive. The other night when I was having trouble sleeping, I put on music and literally tried to let the soft tone of it put me to sleep. But instead that just got me thinking about how much any style of music will get an immediate reaction out of us. Upbeat music makes you just want to start dancing, while slow music makes you relax. While every genre in between those ignite a certain emotion or response right away. And all this made me wonder why the Holy Spirit can't always be so obvious to us? We need to able to hear him right away and react with an appropriate response. We need to be able to feel every movement and message the Holy Spirit has. It needs to be like music to us. We have to allow ourself to become one with the Holy Spirit, just as we like to become one with music.

Faithfully.

2009-01-04T20:28:00.000-08:00

The other day I came across letters I wrote to my future husband a couple years ago. Within those were lyrics to a song that I wrote down. These really reminded me of where my heart needs to be and what I should be striving for. I thought some of you would enjoy this as well.

Tonight I saw shooting star.
Made me wonder where you are.
For years I have been dreaming of you.
And I wonder if you're thinking of me, too.

In this world of cheap romance.
And love that only fades after the dance.
They say I'm a fool to wait for something more.
How can I really love somone I've never seen before?

But I have longed for true love every day that I have lived.
And I know real love is all about learning how to give.
So I pray that God will bring you to me.
And I pray you'll find me waiting faithfully.

Faithfully, I am yours.
From now until forever.
Faithfully, I will write.
Write you a love song with my life.
Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for.
No matter how long it takes.
I am yours.
Faithfully.

Tonight I saw two lovers kiss.
Reminded me of my own loneliness.
They say that I'm a fool to keep on praying for you.
How can I give up pleasure for a dream that won't come true?

But I will keep believing that God has a plan.
And though I cannot see you now, I know that He can.
And someday I will give you all of me.
Until I find you, I'll be waiting faithfully.

2009.

2009-01-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

So I'm making a new years resolution that I'm gonna try my best to commit too. Over this last year, I haven't really been happy with how I've handled myself with things going on in my life. I have to realize every single person has struggles that bring them down, no matter how they make themself appear. I'm also jealous of the people who can have so much joy about life no matter what. And my resolution is to have more joy in my own life. Yes I'm gonna be going through really hard things that make an impact on me. That is something I don't have control over. However, how I deal with them is totally my choice. I'll get through rough moment by rough moment, and move on after. I won't let the games that satan has been playing on me alter my outlook anymore. I'm pushing his little strategies and lies away. This is my life, and I don't want to waste it on complaining about hard situations. So cheers to a joyful time filled with peace and laughter. :)

Composure.

2008-12-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

Take me back to those warm summer mornings.
Where the rising sun brings comfort upon my chilled skin.
Bring back the quiesent aura of the open pasture.
Where our earthly problems are frivolous.

Bring alive the days of whimsical sensibility.
Where individuality was celebrated.
Remind us of the almost forgotten sense of belonging.
Creating a safe environment where wholesome hearts can rest in peace once again.

Re-create a safe surrounding to entrust with our deepest feelings.
Inviting our soul to be aroused and openly released in complete confidence.
Uncover the old road where possibilities were endless.
Where mistakes were accepted and dreams lived out.

But before I open my eyes from this peaceful sanctuary.
I'll embrace the warm sun rays.
I'll remember the wholesome heart that once lived in peace.
And I'll promise that soon, they'll be more than just a memory.
This extinct way of life will return.
Just around the river bend.

Epiphany - Already good enough.

2008-12-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

I am always worried that I won't measure up to a standard. I push myself too far sometimes just to make someone else happy. Everyday I'm straining myself to be somone that other people want to see me be. But in the end, I'm not the one happy with myself. I put myself down just because someone else does. And I need to finally wake up to realize what really matters. I am me. Nothing more. For the people who can't find that to be enough, they'll have to get over it. I can only truely be myself when I'm not trying to be anything more. And when I don't try to be anything more than I am, I'm essentially being the most I can ever be. So cheers to a new epiphany. It's not about measuring up. It's about already being good enough.

No title.

2008-11-19T21:01:00.001-08:00

I'm usually pretty good with putting my feelings and emotions into words. But this time, my emotions are so jumbled and my feelings are so lost that I can't find words to justify whats going on inside of me. Writing always calms my nerves and lets me release myself. However, this time words just aren't enough. So what do I do now that I can't organize words together to create a canvas of flowing expressions? I write about not being able to write. Some moments are just too confound write about.

Go for it.

2008-10-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

There's not always a light switch in the dark room.
But there's always a match.
There's not always a sign on the unknown road.
But there's always an adventure that takes place.
There's not always a book of solutions for every problem.
But there's always an outcome.
There's not always a given answer to the question.
But there's always a way to find one on your own.
There's not always a paved road directing your way.
But there's always a covered dirt path to find.
There's not aways someone to follow.
Sometimes you're the leader.
So go for it.

Anonymous.

2008-10-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

I miss someone I havn't even met.
I think about someone I don't even know.
I get butterflies for somone I havn't even seen.
I feel safe and protected with someone I havn't even felt an embrace from.
I see my other half in someone I haven't even heard speak.
I am waiting for someone whom I don't even know the name of.

Until the day comes that I meet you.
You will occupy my mind and own my heart.
Because you own it, all I have to do is follow my heart to find you.
That journey begins now.
I'll see you when I see you, husband.

Bittersweet moment of a lifetime.

2008-09-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was my first fall retreat. It was so great to get away from things in a crazy life and recoup. I loved getting closer to people in my youth group. I'm so thankful to have these people in my life; and I'm honestly not sure where in the world I would be without them. The bonfire we had on Saturday will be a moment I will keep with me forever though. It was bittersweet. At the beginning of the trip we were asked to write a word on a block that was beginning to define us. The word I picked was unloved. I know this sounds crazy, but when thats the message you recieve, its a hard one to just forget about. The night of the bonfire, we were walking in silence so we could just listen to God. However, I was getting really frustrated when I couldn't seem to manage to make any connection with him. I felt blocked. By the time we were sitting around the fire, still in silence, I was still having trouble reaching God. But then as I looked up at the fire, I saw a father hugging his daughter to comfort her as she was crying. And at the moment, I literally lost control and my emotions were released completely. That image was one that hit me hard. Every tense part of me was broken as I cried in hurt. And then it struck me. That image of a father holding his daughter in pain, was God holding me. He was telling me, "I love you. I have more love for you than you'll ever need. I can give you the love you don't recieve there. You don't need that love; because I will never stop giving you all of mine. You are my daughter, and I am your daddy." When that moment hit, I found the connection that I couldn't find before; which showed me that I am closest to God in moments of hurt. When I need him most he reminds me he is always there. The struggle I'm going through is what is bringing me closer to him. This is how I create my relationship with him. By realizing I can't live without it. So God, thank you for showing me that I am always yours, especially in my weakest moments. And thank you for giving me an image of a lifetime. I love you.

The little white flower.

2008-09-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

On the far side of the meadow lies an early bloomed white flower. So out of place, yet so beautiful. So pure, yet so alone. Throughout the season, the white flower begins to fade. It's petals are plucked, and when they grow back they just aren't the same. The little white flower was loosing its glow. It was trying its hardest to stay standing up so it could portray the beauty it was created to. But feeling out of place, the purity of the little white flower was lost. As the weather begins to get colder, the little white flower must die down with all the others. It goes down feeling a failure for being weak and allowing outside forces to change it. However, the white flower remembers this was one season in its life; and there are many more to come. Seasons of success, happiness, purity, and healing. This season of weakness, when gotten through, will bring strength to carry on into other seasons. So little white flower, as you rest and wait for your time to bloom again, prepare yourself to start new next season.

Always and Forever.

2008-08-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

I asked to see Him.
And all He said was, "Look into the sunset for my smile."

I begged to feel Him.
And all He said was, "Notice the light breeze when you're walking alone."

I longed to touch Him.
And all He said was, "Put you're hand on your heart and you'll be close enough."

I wanted to have His comfort as I cry.
And all He said was, "What do you think the rain is? I'm crying with you."

I wished to hear Him.
And all He said was, "Listen to the leaves rustling in the wind and there's my whisper."

I hoped to be called His own.
And all He said was, "Always and forever."

Looking forward and not turning back.

2008-08-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

There's so much to say.
Yet there's a deafening silence between us.
Despite actions that need to be taken.
Empty efforts make up your willingness to make things better.

I'm living off hope to escape this downhill fall.
I'm looking towards the future when I'll have nothing to hold me back.
I built a wall within myself for protection from personal attacks.
And soon, it'll be able to crumble to the ground.

But until that day I'm gripping anything that is in my reach.
To just keep moving forward despite things pulling me back.
My eyes are focusing on the prize.
The prize of starting new and finding ability to heal.

So do what you want to bring me down.
And say what makes you feel big.
But I'm done with letting you get to me.
Cause I'm concentrating on my future moments to shine.

So enjoy the outcome of your choices.
And I'll have fun with mine too.

Short and sweet.

2008-08-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

My new favorite saying: A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek him in order to find her.

Making a rainbow, by changing the angle of the light on a rainstorm.

2008-07-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Perspective changes as we change our relation to something. And my perspective is really changing on what is important for my life. It's no longer just having happiness given to me, but finding and making my own happiness out of any situation. It's dancing to anything, whenever I can. It's living in the moments when all I can do is smile. It's laughing at stories that never get old. It's blasting music and singing along. It's having people in my life like my sister, who is also my best friend. Not being near her, leads me to hold on even tighter to her because I don't want the chance of losing her. The understanding we have is something I can't trade. She's someone I will appreciate the rest of my life. So with her, having the perspective of distance, causes me to make her the closest person in my life. Love you sis.

As perspective changes, goals change. And despite the fact you can't change where you've been, you can change where you're going. So find the important things in your life that make you happy, and live off of them.

Asking for what He has always offered.

2008-07-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

At this point God, theres nothing left for me to do but to ask:
Please mend my tears and breaks.
Eliminate my doubts and worries.
Lessen my fears and anxiety.
Complete my faith and trust in You.
Fulfill my emptiness and give me peace.
Rescue me when I feel lost.
Comfort me when I feel alone.
Tightly hold my reigns so I won't run too far.
Lead me to make my heart a devoted home for you, rather than just a house.
Guide my eyes to always search in your direction, and to find you quickly.
Please God, let me not only know you, but constantly feel you.
Help me no longer see you as my father, but my daddy.

Separately walking together.

2008-07-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Both walking on their journey.
Both pushing through their trials.
Both looking and hoping towards the future.
Waiting for the day their paths will meet and become one.
Everyday brings that moment closer.

But until then, both must find themselves and their purpose.
They must first realize who they are, before realizing who they are meant for.
Both will eventually come together to cover the old paths behind them.
The path they walk together will be the journey of a lifetime.
One that they worked so hard to reach.

The road to get there may not be an easy one.
But every curve and bump is preparing them for the day their paths cross.
There may never be shortcuts nor road signs along the road.
But there is a hand that is carrying them when they unable to walk.
And there is a voice guiding them through every uncertain moment.

That hand will push them in the right direction when they are unsure of where to go.
That voice will comfort them when they are losing focus and hope.
Yet the two are still breaking on the outside from their tough journey.
But each of their torn pieces, when brought together, will fit like a set and make them whole again.
And when they're ready for that special day, they will find each other face to face.

♥

L-O-V-E

2008-07-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

What is love? First there's the unconditional love of our God that nothing can ever come between. But are we capable of showing that same exact love to the people in our life? I think the definition and status of "love" is changing. It's being minimized and the standard is becoming lower. Kids can grow up being told how much they are loved. But when what they see isn't genuine love, they are decieved into thinking love is something else. Basically, if someone hasn't felt the genuine love; they don't know how to truely show it. Thats why as a generation we have to take the love we know will never leave our side; and breath it. We have to consume all we can of God's love and live off of it. Because if we don't, we can lose the outward appearance of the most important concept in living a fulfilled life. So what is love? In my opinion, love is a gift to give and a choice to recieve.

Imperfectly perfect.

2008-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a perfectionist whether or not I like it. Because of that, it's hard when I look at my life and see I don't always have myself together. I'm not always in a "perfect" stage where I'm happy with the way things are going. It has taken me too long to realize this, but we aren't supposed to have the fairytale life with no problems to overcome. These imperfections make my life meaningful. Without them, how I would grow in the Lord, or even in general. These road blocks were put in my life for a reason and they are molding me into the person I was born to be. So I'm trying to learn to look at my tough situations from a different point of view. Once I get through them, I will see the plan in my life unfold. Therefore I can be happy with saying that my life is imperfectly perfect. Struggle brings opportunity. So hang in there.

Letting go of the wheel.

2008-07-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

Here I am halfway through highschool already. These years of my life are years of laughter, learning, exploring, and independence. All these things I looked so foward to as a child. In fact, my teenage years couldn't come fast enough. But what I didn't expect was the struggle and challenge these years involve. Times of confusion, pain, and dissapointment. As a child, we plan out exactly how we are going to live our life and what it's going to consist of. Once again, as reality hits you in the face, you realize you have to let go of the wheel and just ride along. We must accept not knowing how life will turn out. This is a hard thing for me because of my ninch to have complete control of myself. So I have to literally close my eyes and put my complete trust and faith in God. But why is this such a hard thing to do if I know He is the creater of my life...He definatly knows best. Realizing that lets us stop fearing and questioning what to do. God is in complete control of every single moment of pain, hurt, and struggle that comes our way. So I'm finally trying to read his plan for my life, instead of writing my own. I'm all yours God.