Bittersweet moment of a lifetime.

Last weekend was my first fall retreat. It was so great to get away from things in a crazy life and recoup. I loved getting closer to people in my youth group. I'm so thankful to have these people in my life; and I'm honestly not sure where in the world I would be without them. The bonfire we had on Saturday will be a moment I will keep with me forever though. It was bittersweet. At the beginning of the trip we were asked to write a word on a block that was beginning to define us. The word I picked was unloved. I know this sounds crazy, but when thats the message you recieve, its a hard one to just forget about. The night of the bonfire, we were walking in silence so we could just listen to God. However, I was getting really frustrated when I couldn't seem to manage to make any connection with him. I felt blocked. By the time we were sitting around the fire, still in silence, I was still having trouble reaching God. But then as I looked up at the fire, I saw a father hugging his daughter to comfort her as she was crying. And at the moment, I literally lost control and my emotions were released completely. That image was one that hit me hard. Every tense part of me was broken as I cried in hurt. And then it struck me. That image of a father holding his daughter in pain, was God holding me. He was telling me, "I love you. I have more love for you than you'll ever need. I can give you the love you don't recieve there. You don't need that love; because I will never stop giving you all of mine. You are my daughter, and I am your daddy." When that moment hit, I found the connection that I couldn't find before; which showed me that I am closest to God in moments of hurt. When I need him most he reminds me he is always there. The struggle I'm going through is what is bringing me closer to him. This is how I create my relationship with him. By realizing I can't live without it. So God, thank you for showing me that I am always yours, especially in my weakest moments. And thank you for giving me an image of a lifetime. I love you.

The little white flower.

On the far side of the meadow lies an early bloomed white flower. So out of place, yet so beautiful. So pure, yet so alone. Throughout the season, the white flower begins to fade. It's petals are plucked, and when they grow back they just aren't the same. The little white flower was loosing its glow. It was trying its hardest to stay standing up so it could portray the beauty it was created to. But feeling out of place, the purity of the little white flower was lost. As the weather begins to get colder, the little white flower must die down with all the others. It goes down feeling a failure for being weak and allowing outside forces to change it. However, the white flower remembers this was one season in its life; and there are many more to come. Seasons of success, happiness, purity, and healing. This season of weakness, when gotten through, will bring strength to carry on into other seasons. So little white flower, as you rest and wait for your time to bloom again, prepare yourself to start new next season.

Always and Forever.

I asked to see Him.
And all He said was, "Look into the sunset for my smile."

I begged to feel Him.
And all He said was, "Notice the light breeze when you're walking alone."

I longed to touch Him.
And all He said was, "Put you're hand on your heart and you'll be close enough."

I wanted to have His comfort as I cry.
And all He said was, "What do you think the rain is? I'm crying with you."

I wished to hear Him.
And all He said was, "Listen to the leaves rustling in the wind and there's my whisper."

I hoped to be called His own.
And all He said was, "Always and forever."

Looking forward and not turning back.

There's so much to say.
Yet there's a deafening silence between us.
Despite actions that need to be taken.
Empty efforts make up your willingness to make things better.

I'm living off hope to escape this downhill fall.
I'm looking towards the future when I'll have nothing to hold me back.
I built a wall within myself for protection from personal attacks.
And soon, it'll be able to crumble to the ground.

But until that day I'm gripping anything that is in my reach.
To just keep moving forward despite things pulling me back.
My eyes are focusing on the prize.
The prize of starting new and finding ability to heal.

So do what you want to bring me down.
And say what makes you feel big.
But I'm done with letting you get to me.
Cause I'm concentrating on my future moments to shine.

So enjoy the outcome of your choices.
And I'll have fun with mine too.

Short and sweet.

My new favorite saying: A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek him in order to find her.

Making a rainbow, by changing the angle of the light on a rainstorm.

Perspective changes as we change our relation to something. And my perspective is really changing on what is important for my life. It's no longer just having happiness given to me, but finding and making my own happiness out of any situation. It's dancing to anything, whenever I can. It's living in the moments when all I can do is smile. It's laughing at stories that never get old. It's blasting music and singing along. It's having people in my life like my sister, who is also my best friend. Not being near her, leads me to hold on even tighter to her because I don't want the chance of losing her. The understanding we have is something I can't trade. She's someone I will appreciate the rest of my life. So with her, having the perspective of distance, causes me to make her the closest person in my life. Love you sis.

As perspective changes, goals change. And despite the fact you can't change where you've been, you can change where you're going. So find the important things in your life that make you happy, and live off of them.

Asking for what He has always offered.

At this point God, theres nothing left for me to do but to ask:
Please mend my tears and breaks.
Eliminate my doubts and worries.
Lessen my fears and anxiety.
Complete my faith and trust in You.
Fulfill my emptiness and give me peace.
Rescue me when I feel lost.
Comfort me when I feel alone.
Tightly hold my reigns so I won't run too far.
Lead me to make my heart a devoted home for you, rather than just a house.
Guide my eyes to always search in your direction, and to find you quickly.
Please God, let me not only know you, but constantly feel you.
Help me no longer see you as my father, but my daddy.