This is why I dance.

At first the music is merely a range of notes infused together.
It flows by your ear and you become a piece of the music.
Your mind releases each one of it's thoughts and worries.
The only purpose at that moment is to let go of absolutely everything and dance.
Suddenly you have no boundaries, expectations, or dead lines.
There is no sense of time controlling your next decision.
All that matters is the constant movement your body envisions and brings to life.
Every emotion is allowed to be exposed.
You feel your heart openly expressing itself, knowing it's safe to let down it's walls.
You can choose to feel the promising support of the floor.
Or you can choose to fly and feel nothing but the oxygen swirling around you.
Grace surrounds every movement, and joy follows every breath.
You are present in only one world...a world of freedom.
And that is why I dance.

Short-lived moments.

Certain happy moments are hard to endure.
The reality of the moment tries to overlap the underlying pain.
These rare moments create flashbacks to a lost acceptance.
They re-open the cut and remind you of how it should be.
They're hard because it emphasizes the relationship that is deeply desired.
A laugh, rarely shared, is deafining.
They're the definition of bittersweet.
Because deep down I know the clear sky won't last.
And before I know it, the storm hovers over once again.
So what am I to do in these misleading happy moments?
Do I enjoy the short lived, yet false, moment of effort?
Or do I only focus on the true underlying struggles between the barrier?
In my young eyes, the best thing to do is remain guarded to protect myself in these moments.
But at the same time, live out the moment to ensure I'm doing everything in my power to hold on.

Natural nature.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of a tidal wave; and all I can do is stare at what's coming.
Other times I feel like I'm riding the tidal wave; and have no where else to go but where it decides to take me.
Sometimes the sand beneath my feet is soft yet supportive.
And other times it seems like a pool of sinking sand.
Sometimes the sun is facing me; so all I can do is walk into the warmth with my eyes closed.
But other times the sun is behind me; creating a light for my walk ahead.
Sometimes the breeze is just what I need to blow away my nerves.
While other times it's just sweeping away my structure.
Sometimes the shade of the tree creates a blanket of protection and promise.
And other times the shade creates a burden of restriction.
Essentially, these factors of nature are stable and unchanging.
It's the position of myself that controls the outcome and status of each situation.
I don't have control of nature; however I do hold control of where I stand in the middle of it.
These variables of nature won't ever alter.
But the graph of my "storm" will become consistant when I stand in the midst of it all, knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Like music.

As a dancer, when I listen to music I try to imagine the feel and movement of it. Making every rhythm and note come alive. The other night when I was having trouble sleeping, I put on music and literally tried to let the soft tone of it put me to sleep. But instead that just got me thinking about how much any style of music will get an immediate reaction out of us. Upbeat music makes you just want to start dancing, while slow music makes you relax. While every genre in between those ignite a certain emotion or response right away. And all this made me wonder why the Holy Spirit can't always be so obvious to us? We need to able to hear him right away and react with an appropriate response. We need to be able to feel every movement and message the Holy Spirit has. It needs to be like music to us. We have to allow ourself to become one with the Holy Spirit, just as we like to become one with music.

Faithfully.

The other day I came across letters I wrote to my future husband a couple years ago. Within those were lyrics to a song that I wrote down. These really reminded me of where my heart needs to be and what I should be striving for. I thought some of you would enjoy this as well.

Tonight I saw shooting star.
Made me wonder where you are.
For years I have been dreaming of you.
And I wonder if you're thinking of me, too.

In this world of cheap romance.
And love that only fades after the dance.
They say I'm a fool to wait for something more.
How can I really love somone I've never seen before?

But I have longed for true love every day that I have lived.
And I know real love is all about learning how to give.
So I pray that God will bring you to me.
And I pray you'll find me waiting faithfully.

Faithfully, I am yours.
From now until forever.
Faithfully, I will write.
Write you a love song with my life.
Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for.
No matter how long it takes.
I am yours.
Faithfully.

Tonight I saw two lovers kiss.
Reminded me of my own loneliness.
They say that I'm a fool to keep on praying for you.
How can I give up pleasure for a dream that won't come true?

But I will keep believing that God has a plan.
And though I cannot see you now, I know that He can.
And someday I will give you all of me.
Until I find you, I'll be waiting faithfully.

2009.

So I'm making a new years resolution that I'm gonna try my best to commit too. Over this last year, I haven't really been happy with how I've handled myself with things going on in my life. I have to realize every single person has struggles that bring them down, no matter how they make themself appear. I'm also jealous of the people who can have so much joy about life no matter what. And my resolution is to have more joy in my own life. Yes I'm gonna be going through really hard things that make an impact on me. That is something I don't have control over. However, how I deal with them is totally my choice. I'll get through rough moment by rough moment, and move on after. I won't let the games that satan has been playing on me alter my outlook anymore. I'm pushing his little strategies and lies away. This is my life, and I don't want to waste it on complaining about hard situations. So cheers to a joyful time filled with peace and laughter. :)