Composure.

Take me back to those warm summer mornings.
Where the rising sun brings comfort upon my chilled skin.
Bring back the quiesent aura of the open pasture.
Where our earthly problems are frivolous.

Bring alive the days of whimsical sensibility.
Where individuality was celebrated.
Remind us of the almost forgotten sense of belonging.
Creating a safe environment where wholesome hearts can rest in peace once again.

Re-create a safe surrounding to entrust with our deepest feelings.
Inviting our soul to be aroused and openly released in complete confidence.
Uncover the old road where possibilities were endless.
Where mistakes were accepted and dreams lived out.

But before I open my eyes from this peaceful sanctuary.
I'll embrace the warm sun rays.
I'll remember the wholesome heart that once lived in peace.
And I'll promise that soon, they'll be more than just a memory.
This extinct way of life will return.
Just around the river bend.

Epiphany - Already good enough.

I am always worried that I won't measure up to a standard. I push myself too far sometimes just to make someone else happy. Everyday I'm straining myself to be somone that other people want to see me be. But in the end, I'm not the one happy with myself. I put myself down just because someone else does. And I need to finally wake up to realize what really matters. I am me. Nothing more. For the people who can't find that to be enough, they'll have to get over it. I can only truely be myself when I'm not trying to be anything more. And when I don't try to be anything more than I am, I'm essentially being the most I can ever be. So cheers to a new epiphany. It's not about measuring up. It's about already being good enough.

No title.

I'm usually pretty good with putting my feelings and emotions into words. But this time, my emotions are so jumbled and my feelings are so lost that I can't find words to justify whats going on inside of me. Writing always calms my nerves and lets me release myself. However, this time words just aren't enough. So what do I do now that I can't organize words together to create a canvas of flowing expressions? I write about not being able to write. Some moments are just too confound write about.

Go for it.

There's not always a light switch in the dark room.
But there's always a match.
There's not always a sign on the unknown road.
But there's always an adventure that takes place.
There's not always a book of solutions for every problem.
But there's always an outcome.
There's not always a given answer to the question.
But there's always a way to find one on your own.
There's not always a paved road directing your way.
But there's always a covered dirt path to find.
There's not aways someone to follow.
Sometimes you're the leader.
So go for it.

Anonymous.

I miss someone I havn't even met.
I think about someone I don't even know.
I get butterflies for somone I havn't even seen.
I feel safe and protected with someone I havn't even felt an embrace from.
I see my other half in someone I haven't even heard speak.
I am waiting for someone whom I don't even know the name of.

Until the day comes that I meet you.
You will occupy my mind and own my heart.
Because you own it, all I have to do is follow my heart to find you.
That journey begins now.
I'll see you when I see you, husband.

Bittersweet moment of a lifetime.

Last weekend was my first fall retreat. It was so great to get away from things in a crazy life and recoup. I loved getting closer to people in my youth group. I'm so thankful to have these people in my life; and I'm honestly not sure where in the world I would be without them. The bonfire we had on Saturday will be a moment I will keep with me forever though. It was bittersweet. At the beginning of the trip we were asked to write a word on a block that was beginning to define us. The word I picked was unloved. I know this sounds crazy, but when thats the message you recieve, its a hard one to just forget about. The night of the bonfire, we were walking in silence so we could just listen to God. However, I was getting really frustrated when I couldn't seem to manage to make any connection with him. I felt blocked. By the time we were sitting around the fire, still in silence, I was still having trouble reaching God. But then as I looked up at the fire, I saw a father hugging his daughter to comfort her as she was crying. And at the moment, I literally lost control and my emotions were released completely. That image was one that hit me hard. Every tense part of me was broken as I cried in hurt. And then it struck me. That image of a father holding his daughter in pain, was God holding me. He was telling me, "I love you. I have more love for you than you'll ever need. I can give you the love you don't recieve there. You don't need that love; because I will never stop giving you all of mine. You are my daughter, and I am your daddy." When that moment hit, I found the connection that I couldn't find before; which showed me that I am closest to God in moments of hurt. When I need him most he reminds me he is always there. The struggle I'm going through is what is bringing me closer to him. This is how I create my relationship with him. By realizing I can't live without it. So God, thank you for showing me that I am always yours, especially in my weakest moments. And thank you for giving me an image of a lifetime. I love you.

The little white flower.

On the far side of the meadow lies an early bloomed white flower. So out of place, yet so beautiful. So pure, yet so alone. Throughout the season, the white flower begins to fade. It's petals are plucked, and when they grow back they just aren't the same. The little white flower was loosing its glow. It was trying its hardest to stay standing up so it could portray the beauty it was created to. But feeling out of place, the purity of the little white flower was lost. As the weather begins to get colder, the little white flower must die down with all the others. It goes down feeling a failure for being weak and allowing outside forces to change it. However, the white flower remembers this was one season in its life; and there are many more to come. Seasons of success, happiness, purity, and healing. This season of weakness, when gotten through, will bring strength to carry on into other seasons. So little white flower, as you rest and wait for your time to bloom again, prepare yourself to start new next season.

Always and Forever.

I asked to see Him.
And all He said was, "Look into the sunset for my smile."

I begged to feel Him.
And all He said was, "Notice the light breeze when you're walking alone."

I longed to touch Him.
And all He said was, "Put you're hand on your heart and you'll be close enough."

I wanted to have His comfort as I cry.
And all He said was, "What do you think the rain is? I'm crying with you."

I wished to hear Him.
And all He said was, "Listen to the leaves rustling in the wind and there's my whisper."

I hoped to be called His own.
And all He said was, "Always and forever."

Looking forward and not turning back.

There's so much to say.
Yet there's a deafening silence between us.
Despite actions that need to be taken.
Empty efforts make up your willingness to make things better.

I'm living off hope to escape this downhill fall.
I'm looking towards the future when I'll have nothing to hold me back.
I built a wall within myself for protection from personal attacks.
And soon, it'll be able to crumble to the ground.

But until that day I'm gripping anything that is in my reach.
To just keep moving forward despite things pulling me back.
My eyes are focusing on the prize.
The prize of starting new and finding ability to heal.

So do what you want to bring me down.
And say what makes you feel big.
But I'm done with letting you get to me.
Cause I'm concentrating on my future moments to shine.

So enjoy the outcome of your choices.
And I'll have fun with mine too.

Short and sweet.

My new favorite saying: A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek him in order to find her.

Making a rainbow, by changing the angle of the light on a rainstorm.

Perspective changes as we change our relation to something. And my perspective is really changing on what is important for my life. It's no longer just having happiness given to me, but finding and making my own happiness out of any situation. It's dancing to anything, whenever I can. It's living in the moments when all I can do is smile. It's laughing at stories that never get old. It's blasting music and singing along. It's having people in my life like my sister, who is also my best friend. Not being near her, leads me to hold on even tighter to her because I don't want the chance of losing her. The understanding we have is something I can't trade. She's someone I will appreciate the rest of my life. So with her, having the perspective of distance, causes me to make her the closest person in my life. Love you sis.

As perspective changes, goals change. And despite the fact you can't change where you've been, you can change where you're going. So find the important things in your life that make you happy, and live off of them.

Asking for what He has always offered.

At this point God, theres nothing left for me to do but to ask:
Please mend my tears and breaks.
Eliminate my doubts and worries.
Lessen my fears and anxiety.
Complete my faith and trust in You.
Fulfill my emptiness and give me peace.
Rescue me when I feel lost.
Comfort me when I feel alone.
Tightly hold my reigns so I won't run too far.
Lead me to make my heart a devoted home for you, rather than just a house.
Guide my eyes to always search in your direction, and to find you quickly.
Please God, let me not only know you, but constantly feel you.
Help me no longer see you as my father, but my daddy.

Separately walking together.

Both walking on their journey.
Both pushing through their trials.
Both looking and hoping towards the future.
Waiting for the day their paths will meet and become one.
Everyday brings that moment closer.

But until then, both must find themselves and their purpose.
They must first realize who they are, before realizing who they are meant for.
Both will eventually come together to cover the old paths behind them.
The path they walk together will be the journey of a lifetime.
One that they worked so hard to reach.

The road to get there may not be an easy one.
But every curve and bump is preparing them for the day their paths cross.
There may never be shortcuts nor road signs along the road.
But there is a hand that is carrying them when they unable to walk.
And there is a voice guiding them through every uncertain moment.

That hand will push them in the right direction when they are unsure of where to go.
That voice will comfort them when they are losing focus and hope.
Yet the two are still breaking on the outside from their tough journey.
But each of their torn pieces, when brought together, will fit like a set and make them whole again.
And when they're ready for that special day, they will find each other face to face.

♥

L-O-V-E

What is love? First there's the unconditional love of our God that nothing can ever come between. But are we capable of showing that same exact love to the people in our life? I think the definition and status of "love" is changing. It's being minimized and the standard is becoming lower. Kids can grow up being told how much they are loved. But when what they see isn't genuine love, they are decieved into thinking love is something else. Basically, if someone hasn't felt the genuine love; they don't know how to truely show it. Thats why as a generation we have to take the love we know will never leave our side; and breath it. We have to consume all we can of God's love and live off of it. Because if we don't, we can lose the outward appearance of the most important concept in living a fulfilled life. So what is love? In my opinion, love is a gift to give and a choice to recieve.

Imperfectly perfect.

I'm a perfectionist whether or not I like it. Because of that, it's hard when I look at my life and see I don't always have myself together. I'm not always in a "perfect" stage where I'm happy with the way things are going. It has taken me too long to realize this, but we aren't supposed to have the fairytale life with no problems to overcome. These imperfections make my life meaningful. Without them, how I would grow in the Lord, or even in general. These road blocks were put in my life for a reason and they are molding me into the person I was born to be. So I'm trying to learn to look at my tough situations from a different point of view. Once I get through them, I will see the plan in my life unfold. Therefore I can be happy with saying that my life is imperfectly perfect. Struggle brings opportunity. So hang in there.

Letting go of the wheel.

Here I am halfway through highschool already. These years of my life are years of laughter, learning, exploring, and independence. All these things I looked so foward to as a child. In fact, my teenage years couldn't come fast enough. But what I didn't expect was the struggle and challenge these years involve. Times of confusion, pain, and dissapointment. As a child, we plan out exactly how we are going to live our life and what it's going to consist of. Once again, as reality hits you in the face, you realize you have to let go of the wheel and just ride along. We must accept not knowing how life will turn out. This is a hard thing for me because of my ninch to have complete control of myself. So I have to literally close my eyes and put my complete trust and faith in God. But why is this such a hard thing to do if I know He is the creater of my life...He definatly knows best. Realizing that lets us stop fearing and questioning what to do. God is in complete control of every single moment of pain, hurt, and struggle that comes our way. So I'm finally trying to read his plan for my life, instead of writing my own. I'm all yours God.